Losing You
by Synnerxx
Summary: Will Jay and Spinner be able to fix their relationship or is it all over for them?
1. If You Only Knew

**Pairings: Jay/Spinner, mentions of a past Jay/OFC**

**Warnings: Slash, mentions of past infidelity, het**

**Author's Notes: Takes place right after the events of _Again._ There are going to be about five chapters of this fic, so yay me for finally writing a decent multi-chaptered fic. Review, loves!**

**Prompt: This isn't about you at all at un_love_you  
**

* * *

Spinner wakes up the next morning, not with Jay's arms around him like he expects, but facing the wall as far away from Jay as he could get on the bed without falling off of it. He rolls over and watches Jay sleep for a moment, not feeling the love that he usually does when he looks at Jay. It's no surprise. He doesn't trust Jay right now and it'll be awhile before he does. If he ever does again. He sighs and gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for work.

He walks out from the bathroom in a cloud of steam twenty minutes later to find the bed empty. He pauses for a second, then hears the sounds of Jay cooking breakfast and heads into their closet, pulling on his boxers as he goes. After he's pulled on his Dot T-shirt and jeans, he walks down the short hallway to the living room and kitchen. Jay is leaning against the counter, watching the TV and eating some pancakes.

He glances at Spinner as he walks in, obviously wanting to say something, but not quite sure if he should. Spinner mentally sighs again. He's not going to help Jay with this. He deserves to suffer for what he did to him. Spinner grabs a piece of toast and puts butter and jelly on it to go with his coffee. He munches on it slowly, watching the news in silence with Jay, who still looks like he wants to say something. Spinner remains quiet, having nothing to say to Jay, not even a 'good morning'. Jay doesn't deserve it this morning.

Spinner finishes his toast, licks his fingers clean of the jelly, watches Jay watch him out of the corner of his eye and drains the last of his coffee. He slips on his Converse at the door, grabs his keys, and leaves without saying good bye. Jay lets him go, knowing better than to push at the fragile peace that they have going on right now. Sure, it's still tense, but at least they're not yelling and fighting, right?

Spinner heaves a sigh as he unlocks his car and slips into the drivers' seat. It seems like that's all he can do these days is sigh, but if he doesn't it feels like he's going to explode from all the tension in their apartment. He doesn't know if they can make this work, doesn't know if it's even worth trying to fix between them. He doesn't even know if he loves Jay right now. He certainly didn't two days ago, but he isn't going to think about that right now. Right now, he needs to get to work before he's late.

He makes it to The Dot with five minutes to spare, causing Holly J to arch an eyebrow-he's never cut it this close before-but she says nothing for which he is thankful. The day is mostly a blur until Alex comes over on her lunch break. She sits at the counter and smiles at him. "Hey, what's up, Spinner?"

"Just work." He tries to smile at her, but it feels so weird on his face that he lets it fade, letting his mouth turn down at the corners. It's no use trying to fool Alex. She'll just see right through him. She startles him out of his thoughts with another question. "You got a minute? We need to talk."

Spinner looks around for Holly J, asks if she can handle the lunch rush on her own for a few minutes. She starts to protest, then sees the look on his face and nods, looking after him worriedly. Alex leads him out into the alley behind The Dot and leans against the wall. She studies him for a long moment, taking in the way his eyes have bags underneath them, the dark circles. She sees the way his hands are shoved deep into his pockets, the hunched shoulders, the hurt in his eyes that he tries to hide, but can't.

She's pretty sure Jay has lost him for good this time. Spinner's put up with a lot of shit from Jay over the years. Jay stumbling home drunk after a night out with 'the boys', Jay coming home late without calling Spinner so he wouldn't worry, Jay not coming home at all, even bailing Jay out of jail a few times, but never something like Jay cheating on him in their own living room, no less. She wonders if he's thrown out the couch yet and got a new one. She would have and she would have made Jay pay for it too.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Spinner asks, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Look, I'm going to cut to the chase here. After you threw Jay out that night, and I'm glad you did, he came to my apartment and I told him he had to try to get you back. I told him he needed to be a man and apologize and beg and grovel at your feet for your forgiveness. Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't have let him in when he came back. You're a better person than I am, but that's not the point. The point is, do you still love him?" Alex asks, figuring it's best to face all this head on and not let Spinner hide from it.

Spinner looks at the ground and kicks at the cement. He looks back up at her, eyes so full of pain that her heart breaks a little for him and says "I don't know anymore."

She smiles sadly at him and he doesn't return it, not that she really expects him to. "Come over to my place after work and we'll talk. You, me, and Jay, okay? Try to get everything sorted out."

He nods and heads back inside to help Holly J with the lunch crowd which is steadily picking up. She doesn't follow, instead heading back around to the front and getting her car to go back to work. She isn't hungry anymore.

**~*~**

Jay arrives at Alex's apartment last, which is really no surprise to either of the other two. Spinner really didn't expect him to come at all. Alex threatened him within an inch of his life that if he didn't show up, he'd have to deal with her wrath which is a lot more controlled and therefore more deadly than it ever was in high school.

Spinner sits on the loveseat, Jay takes a recliner beside him and Alex sits across from both of them on the couch. They sit in silence, feeling the tension build, wondering who is going to start off the conversation that isn't going to be easy. Finally Alex clears her throat and they both look at her expectantly.

"So you two need to talk. I'm only here to keep things from getting to ugly and if you want it, provide advice for either of you." She says, staring at them.

Jay turns to look at Spinner, who is avoiding looking at him at all costs. "Spin, I'm really sorry about what I did. I don't have a reason or an excuse as to why I did it. I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what."

Spinner faces him for the first time that night. "Just tell me why you did it."

Jay seems taken aback by the question, but thinks about it for a moment. "I think it was because I knew I finally realised that I was never going to have the chance to do something like that again, and yeah, I know that makes no sense since we've been together for years now, but I saw the opportunity and I took it. I don't know why I felt the need to cheat on you. Honestly, it wasn't about you at all. I never thought you'd find out. It was just going to be a one time deal to get it out of my system." Jay answers slowly, feeling like an asshole the entire time.

Spinner looks at him, judging the truth of his words. He doesn't know if he can trust Jay, doesn't know if he ever wants to try anymore. He can't fathom why Jay felt the need to do something like that behind his back, though maybe Jay was right. Maybe this isn't about him at all. Maybe Jay just wants something new and he's not giving it to him, so he feels like he has to look for it elsewhere, but why wouldn't Jay just talk to him about something like that? He thinks that after years of being together, they could talk about anything and everything together, but apparently he's wrong yet again.

"I've never even entertained the idea of being with anyone else. Why couldn't you have talked to me about this? I just don't understand." Spinner looks down at his hands, twisting themselves around each other in his lap.

"I don't know. I really don't." Jay says, looking miserable.

They lapse into silence again, Alex looking back and forth between them. No one speaks for awhile, the atmosphere still tense and awkward.

"Will you forgive me?" Jay asks, looking at Spinner hopefully.

"I don't know if I can." Spinner whispers, choking slightly on the tears that are threatening to make their way down his face.

Jay flinches as if he's been slapped, but knows in his head that he deserves this, that he doesn't deserve Spinner's love or forgiveness, but his heart refuses to believe that. He truly loves Spinner and it kills him now that he's done what he has and he wishes he could take it all back. Go back in time and start that day over, so none of this would happen, but he can't, so he has to deal with the consequences of his actions and hope Spinner can say he loves him again. Right now, he'd move Heaven and Earth, the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky to hear Spinner say that to him, but he knows that it probably won't happen ever again because he fucked up and it's his own stupid fault and he deserves nothing less than to have Spinner tell him he hates him and never wants to see him again. He prays it doesn't come to that though.

"I don't want to have to live my life wondering if I'm good enough for you, wondering if you're out fucking someone else when you don't come home at night. I never, not once, think that you were, by the way. All those times when you didn't call and didn't come home until the next morning or afternoon, I never thought you were with someone else. I never believed that. Why? Because I believed that you loved me enough to not put me through that. There was never a doubt in my mind that you loved me. Now all I have are doubts and questions and my own insecurities to deal with." Spinner sniffs, wiping the tears away.

"I don't know if you'll believe me, but I hope you do, that I never cheated on you all those times. Mostly I was just passed out on Sean's couch." Jay mumbles, trying to comfort Spinner somewhat, even though it's not his place anymore. He lost that right when he took that girl home with him.

Spinner nods, but doesn't say anything. Jay can't tell whether or not he believes him. Both seem to have forgotten Alex's presence in the room, but she doesn't say anything, just listens and wonders if she should even be here right now. It's not really her place, and this has nothing to do with her, so she wonders if she's intruding and decides to leave. She heads out the door, shutting it softly behind her. Neither of them appear to notice, and she's glad. They don't need her there and she really doesn't want to bear witness to their private pain and problems.

Jay gets up and kneels at Spinner's feet, taking Spinner's hands in his. "I know I hurt you. I know I messed up big time. I know that you probably hate me right now, but I still love you. I'm so sorry that I did what I did, and I wish more than anything in the world that I could take it back, but I can't and that kills me. It kills me to see you in such pain and know that I'm the reason you're hurting. Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I'll do anything to make us work. I love you."

"It's not that simple, Jay. You can't just expect to say you're sorry and expect me to forgive you just like that. What you did made me feel worthless and useless as a lover. Like I wasn't enough for you or that you were bored with me, that you didn't want me anymore and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. I didn't know what I had done to drive you away and into the arms of someone else. I didn't know what was wrong in our relationship. I certainly didn't think there was anything wrong," He takes a deep breath and continues, "I didn't know what I needed to fix, nothing. I just felt so broken when I saw you with her. It hurt more than you can ever imagine. Nothing in my past relationships ever came this close to how I felt about you and then to have you go and do that was worse than anything I have ever felt before."

"I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry." Jay says, clearly shocked with what Spinner has told him.

"Maybe that's the problem then. I can't forgive you. Not right now, maybe not ever. I can't even say I love you because I don't know if I would mean it at this point." Spinner pulls his hands away from Jay and stands up.

"Where are you going?" Jay asks, watching Spinner walk to the sliding glass door that leads to Alex's balcony.

"Outside, I need a smoke." Spinner says hoarsely, wiping the rest of his tears away.

"I thought you quit." Jay says, frowning.

"And what better time to pick up the habit again." Spinner says, sarcasm drenching every word.

Jay cringes at Spinner's tone and follows him out onto the balcony. "So where do we go from here?"

Spinner takes a drag off his cigarette. "I don't know."


	2. Break Away

**Pairing: Jay/Spinner**

**Warning: Slash**

**Author's Notes: Angst. Lots of it. Also, I have no idea where this is going because it totally isn't following my outline anymore. Review, loves!**

**Prompt: I hate myself at un_love_you  
**

* * *

Spinner flicks the ashes from his cigarette over the balcony ledge. He watches them spiral softly down to the ground, only to be whisked away again by the wind. Jay is silent beside him, watching him, waiting for some kind of sign that they'll be alright. Spinner doesn't give him one and eventually he turns away. The silence is smothering them, but Spinner doesn't know what to say to break it. There's nothing he can say, nothing he wants to say, but the silence is getting to him, making him want to scream.

"Maybe we should take a break." Jay says slowly, not looking over at Spinner.

"A break from what? Trying to figure us out? Okay, that's fine." Spinner drops his cigarette onto the ground, grinding it beneath his heel.

"No, a break from us. Maybe we should just go our separate ways for a while and then see if we still want to try again." The words hurt him, but Jay forces them out.

"Do you really want to do that?" Spinner asks, opening the glass door and slipping back inside Alex's warm apartment.

Jay follows, "No, but I think it's our only choice here if we want to figure this thing out."

"Sure this isn't some lame way of breaking up with me because that's what you wanted to do the entire time and that's why you slept with that girl?" Spinner's words are harsh and Jay knows he deserves them, but they still cut deeper than anything else Spinner's said to him all night.

"I love you. I don't want to break up, but I think it's best if we do, rather than us staying together and letting this poison our relationship." Jay sits down on the couch and is pleased when Spinner sits down next to him. Sure, there's an entire cushion between them, but it's something, right?

"Fine. Whatever you want." Spinner sighs, rubbing his face with his hands.

The front door opens and they hear Alex's footsteps in the hall. She pokes her head into the living room asking, "Work everything or still trying to?"

Neither of them answer and she walks back in, a bottle of water in her hand. "Guys? You okay?"

"Fine." Jay gives her a distracted glance.

"We're okay for now. We've got an idea of what we're going to do, so we'll get out of your hair now." Spinner gives a shaky smile and a hug and Jay does the same before they both head out the door, leaving her standing in the living room, confused.

They walk down to the parking lot, not saying a word to each other. Jay pauses by the Civic and Spinner glances over at him as he unlocks his own car door. "I think I'm going to stay at Sean's tonight."

Spinner nods and drives away, leaving Jay staring the red of his tail lights. He sighs and climbs into his own car and drives away. This isn't how things are supposed to be between them. Things are supposed to be easy, happy, and loving. Not difficult, depressed, and hateful. It's his fault though. If he could just keep his mouth shut and his dick in his pants, then they wouldn't have to break up just so they can maybe fix things between them in the future. He heads for Sean's house and knocks on the door. Sean answers, not even looking surprised that Jay is showing up this late at night. He knows exactly what's going on with Jay and Spinner. He steps aside and lets Jay walk in, flopping himself down on the couch.

"So I take it it didn't go well." It's not really a question as Sean hands him a beer, but he answers it anyway.

"No. We broke up." Jay drinks about half the bottle in one gulp.

"Really? I thought you were going to fix it with him tonight." Sean sips at his own bottle.

"It was my idea. If he couldn't tell me he loved me without even knowing if he meant it or not, then I think we need a break from each other." Jay takes a smaller swallow this time.

"Oh. For how long?" Sean asks lightly.

"Don't know. For however long it takes, I guess." Jay drains the last of his beer and accepts the second one Sean hands him.

"I'm sure some time apart will let him clear his head and you two will be back together soon." Sean says, trying to comfort Jay. He's never been good at this kind of thing, wouldn't even bother trying with anyone else, but this is Jay, his best friend, and so he does, though he knows it's not enough.

"I hope you're right. I hate myself so much right now for what I did to him." Jay scrubs his hands down his face after putting the bottle on the coffee table in front of him.

Sean stays quiet, not knowing what to say. Anything that he would normally say would be a lie. _You can't beat yourself up over this, it's not your fault. _It is Jay's fault and he deserves his self loathing. _Don't worry about, it'll work out, he still loves you._ Sean doesn't know if it will work out and Jay should worry because even Spinner himself doesn't know if he loves Jay right now or not.

"I can't believe that I would do something so stupid like that. It nearly killed me to see him standing there, looking so disappointed and hurt. I caused him pain. Me! The one person that he thought he could trust not to hurt. I'm such a fuck up man. What am I going to do? What if he decides he doesn't love me after all?" Jay's looking at him with wild, desperate eyes, pleading with him to tell him that everything's going to be okay, even if they both know it's a lie.

So Sean does. He tells him everything he wants to hear and pats him on the back and brings him a beer, but the truth is he really doesn't know if everything's going to be alright, if Spinner will still love him. He hopes Spinner will, but to be honest, he wouldn't bet on it.

Jay calms somewhat, listening to Sean's mumbled comforts. He asks if he can crash here tonight and Sean says yes, and digs him out a blanket and pillow. Jay kicks off his shoes and curls up underneath the cover. He doesn't fall asleep for a long while, wishing he had never told Spinner that they should take a break.


	3. I Refuse To Let You Go When You're Gone

**Pairing: Jay/Spinner**

**Warnings: Slash, mentions of past infidelity  
**

**Author's Notes: Shorter than the other chapters, but this is the beginning of the end. Review, loves!  
**

**Prompt: Thought I needed this at un_love_you  
**

**

* * *

Six Months Later**

_It's been six months. Six long, hard months of being away from you. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I hate it. I thought I needed this, that we needed this. We don't. I don't. All I need is you. I know I made a huge mistake. I know I hurt you. I've replayed the moment over and over in my mind a thousand times, looking for some way to make it right. Looking for some way to take your pain away. There's nothing I can do or say that would make you realise how much I regret what I did. _

_I hate myself for hurting you. I want to be the one that catches all your tears, but you hate me too. I don't blame you. When you told me that you couldn't say 'I love you' to me without knowing if you meant it or not, that broke my heart. I think, out all my relationships, I expected this one to last. I never wanted to ruin it. I love you so much it scares me sometimes. The sheer amount of emotions that I feel for you, it scares me because I've never felt like that towards anyone._

_So I sit here, writing all of this down, hoping you'll forgive me. I don't deserve it. I know that. I just hope that you'll find it in yourself to forgive me some day. We don't even have to get back together, I just want to know that you don't hate me anymore. I've spent so long without you that I know you've probably found someone else, someone who doesn't always make you want to cry. _

_It all started with a perfect kiss, then you said you could feel the poison set in. I guess perfect couldn't keep your love alive. I don't know what I'd do if you really don't want me anymore. I'd like to believe that all those things you said were just out of anger and that you really didn't mean any of them, but I know you probably did. I deserve all your anger and hatred. _

_I made the worst mistake anyone in a relationship can make. I broke your trust and your love. I betrayed you, but now I'm trying to fix it all, but I can't do it all by myself. I need your help now. I need you by my side again. Together, we were on top of the world. Nothing could stop us. Alone, apart from you and knowing it's all my fault has me at the bottom of every bottle I come across._

_So now I ask you for one thing and one thing only; come back to me. Don't leave me here alone. I can't take it anymore. These past few months have been torture for me. I need you more than I ever thought possible._

_All that's left to say is I love you and I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me and we can start over new again. _

_~Jay_

Jay folded the letter and stuck it in an envelope. He wanted to hand it to Spinner himself, but he wasn't sure if that was such a great idea. He decided to mail it instead.

Now all he had was hope and a letter.


	4. I Don't Regret The Letters That I Sent

**Pairing: Past Jay/Spinner**

**Warnings: Past slash, infidelity**

**Author's Notes: Yeah, it's really short, but there's only one chapter left. I promise that one will be longer. Review, loves.**

**Prompt: I want to need you at un_love_you  
**

* * *

Spinner sighed, tapping the pen against the table irritatedly. Writing a letter to his ex-boyfriend was apparently way harder than he'd imagined. He'd never been good at putting how he felt into words, he thought it would be easier, dating a guy. Turned out, it wasn't. Every relationship he'd ever had had ended up in heartache and loneliness. Sometimes it was his fault, sometimes it wasn't. Didn't matter though. None of them lasted.

_Writing this letter is harder than I thought, but since you made the effort, I suppose I can too. You ask for forgiveness. I'm not sure I can give that to you. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to give that to you. I want to need you, I want to need you back in my life, but the truth is, I really don't. I've moved on and you should to._

_Do I see a future with us even being just friends? Maybe someday. Any time soon? No, the pain is still too fresh and the wound is still too open and raw for me to deal with at the moment. I don't know when I'll be able to either. You've got to understand, I don't hate you anymore, I just don't trust you or like you very much at the moment. _

_These words are hard to write, not just because I think it's hard to put my feelings into words. I know what we had and I miss it sometimes. I miss the feelings of security and comfort and love. I know I loved you, was in love with you. I'm not going to sugar-coat this. Yes, you killed my love for you that day. Yes, I still blame you. I'm still angry and hurt and betrayed. _

_That doesn't matter now. The point of this letter isn't to tell you all of that. The point is to tell you that there will never be an us again. I don't think I can set myself up for that kind of heartache again, nor do I want to. I'm sorry, but at the same time, I'm not. I'm looking out for me now and this is what's best._

_~Spinner_

Spinner laid his pen on the table and stared down at the sheet of paper. So many emotions captured on that innocent sheet. He sighed and folded the paper up, putting it inside the envelope. He'd mail it tomorrow.

One day, he'd forgive Jay. It was going to take a while though.


End file.
